Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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