i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I party with great urgency now.
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