How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.