I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I didn't notice because vodka
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
