I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
