chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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