Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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