I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
