I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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