Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
