Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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