If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
