well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
