took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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