I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I party with great urgency now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Will exercising make me less horny?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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