So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
