I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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