Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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