Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
