You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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