oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
