The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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