Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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