Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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