ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
