making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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