im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You may now shotgun with the bride
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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