Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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