Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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