I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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