she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
