your thong is hanging out like whoa
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
