my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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