I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
