the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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