Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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