I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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