So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
