Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
