Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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