Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
