she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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