K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
