i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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