now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
