I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
