I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
