I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
