Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
