Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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