I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
