I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
