before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
