I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
