I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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