I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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