Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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