Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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