Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
