they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
