Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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