someone owes me an orgasm
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
