i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize